AuxNewsNow Mocks Spaatz Association

AuxNewsNow skewers Civil Air Patrol Cadet GradesAuxNewsNow skewers Civil Air Patrol Spaatz Association

[Editor’s Note: The talented satirist(s) over at AuxNewsNow have run a story chiding Civil Air Patrol decision makers at 105 S. Hansell Street with the Spaatz Association, directed by Mr. Brian M. Campbell. AuxNewsNow was a 2015-2017 Civil Air Patrol watchdog site that turned real events and people in CAP into parody pieces.]

Cadet Programs Announces New Grade
By Fiorello LaGuardia

MAXWELL AFB, Ala — The Cadet Programs Directorate at NHQ issued a statement today announcing that the grade of Cadet Command Chief Master Sergeant was being created and implemented at Group and Wing levels. This is in response to requests from the field, and was thoroughly field tested and vetted before the adoption.

“It was a CAC suggestion,” says Richard Howard, National Cadet Advisory Council Coordinator. “So, like most of the crap they dream up, we were going to ignore it. But, some kid on one of the region CACs mentioned it to his uncle who was a retired Air Force Command Chief Master Sergeant and then the Air Force Sergeant’s Association got ahold of it and, well, at that point for a lot of reasons we couldn’t say no.”

“It just legitimizes exactly what we know cadets have been doing for years,” said National Cadet Program chief Ernie Harwell. “They get to chief master sergeant and then they stop. But this is like a separate track! It gives them the opportunity to continue to serve in the program.”

“The Spaatz Association objected vigorously,” Harwell pointed out. “They said that the Spaatz was the completing achievement for the Cadet Program, and it wasn’t right to let a group of cadets stop. So, we decided that Cadet Command Chiefs can just go ahead and take the Spaatz any time they want without worrying about all the other tests. We’ve done some preliminary studies that show that any command chief can ace the Spaatz in his sleep.”

“We scratched our heads for a while about what to do with them if they decided to take the Spaatz,” said Harwell. “I mean, how do you go from being one of the elite few to being just another colonel? But then someone on the committee with exposure to the British Air Cadets remembered their highest cadet enlisted rank is the warrant officer. It was like a bolt of lightning! Only warrants are more insular and have more disregard for the normal rules than Command Chiefs. So, we’re also planning to bring back the cadet warrant officer rank, and they’ll serve as the Spaatz of the cadet NCO corps.”

“Of course, Cadet Command Chiefs will receive an accelerated promotion on becoming Senior members,” Harwell continued. “At this point, the thinking is they’ll promote directly to major, to reflect their level of responsibility in the cadet corps, as well as their years of experience ‘in the trenches’ of the Cadet Program.”

“We can support this,” said C/CMSgt Brenda Campbell. Campbell serves as the Cadet Command Chief Master Sergeant of Illinois Wing, and is the current president of the Civil Air Patrol Cadet Sergeants Association. “It’s not like any of us would ever consider becoming a lieutenant of any kind. Not even as a Senior member.”

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