The record
Archive
Every dispatch, filed by year. No safety briefing required.
2026
- Civil Air Patrol Cadets Complete Engineering Academy Consisting Primarily of Horse Science, Concrete Tours, and Nursing Simulators
- Washington Civil Air Patrol Volunteers Enter Fourth Week of Enthusiastically Photographing Charred Landscape
- Cadet Completes Hero’s Journey From Compass Novice to Supreme Overlord of Finding People Who Wandered Off
- Cadets Finally Airborne After Heroic Volunteers Recalculate Entire Universe to Fit Three Planes
- Civil Air Patrol America 250 Series: The aviation legend you’ve never heard of because, let’s be honest, most people have never heard of Civil Air Patrol either
- Local Colonel Honored for Half-Century of Not Turning an Airplane Into a Lawn Dart
- Cadet Capt. Sebastian Vargas Becomes 200th Ray Scholarship Ace, Vows to Rescue America's Geriatric Pilot Corps and Hunt Moose in Alaska
- Pretending to March at Age 5 Somehow Qualifies You to Coordinate the World's Largest Soccer Circus
- Civil Air Patrol America 250 Series: The Texan Who Gifted Afghanistan an Alamo Mural and Brought Home a Bell
- Civil Air Patrol Joins Elite Map-Staring Society, Promises Even More Aerial Photo Analysis
- Civil Air Patrol America 250 Series: Unkillable Marine Turned CAP Lifer Still Hasn't Found the Off Switch
- Civil Air Patrol America 250 Series: From CHiPs Reruns to Tourniquet Triumphs
- Idaho Teen Named 500th Cadet Pilot in Desperate Bid to Keep Nation's Skies From Becoming a Retirement Home Parking Lot
- New Commander Takes Over CAP-USAF in Grand Guidon Swap
- Colorado Cadets Brave the Final Frontier of High School Boredom, Nab Third in Space Game
- Civil Air Patrol's Lens Warriors Capture Maui's Soggy Spectacle
- Civil Air Patrol Board of Governors Adds More Stars Than a Galaxy Far, Far Away
- Civil Air Patrol Cadets Harness Annularity to Conquer the Cosmos in Richfield, Utah
- Civil Air Patrol's Selfie Heroes Storm the Blood Lab in Epic Surge
- Retired Pilot's Epic Detour-Filled Journey Ends With a Nod to Defunct Squadron
- CAP Cadet Overachieves Way to West Point Academy Acceptance
- Cadets Conquer Capitol Hill: Civil Air Patrol's Epic Quest for Eternal Funding
- Indiana Commander Reveals CAP as Homework Avoidance Scheme
- Rare Spaatz Award Earned by Cadet After Endless Tests and Family Pressure
- Couple's Legendary Leadership Odyssey Spoofs Civil Air Patrol Path to Stardom
- Sky Ballet 2026: NORAD and Civil Air Patrol’s Never-Ending Tango Over Super Bowl Skies
- Military Titans Clash in Epic Battle of the Blood Bags
- Family Soars to New Heights, Leaves Birds and TV Dinners in the Dust
- Michael Toedebusch: The New Messiah of Cheesy Crusades Turns Snacks into Religious Revelations
- When Nature Throws a Tantrum, Call the Nearly-Famous 100 Volunteer Squadron!
- Air Patrol Honors Wizard Who Somehow Avoids Crashing for 50 Years, Reveals Secrets to Extreme Plane Avoidance Skills
- Flyin' High: The FAA Salutes Cardstock Captain and His Eco-Friendly Fleet of Foldable Flyers
- Heroes of Havoc: Celebrating the Unsung Masters of Mayhem at the IAEM Awards
- New York Celebrates Woolfolk's Promotion to Supreme Volunteer Overlord of the Skies
- Sen. Pody Takes to the Skies—Sort of—With New Civil Air Patrol Title
2025
- Heroes in the Sky: CAP's Epic Battle Against Invisible Solar Menace to Protect Cell Phones
- Future Superheroes in Training: How Model Airplanes and Town Hall Basements Prepare the Next Generation to Save the World (Or at Least Organize a Meeting)
- Falcon Composite Squadron 305 Heroically Redefines Chaos as an Art Form in Sleepless Supply Missions
- Local Paper Airplane Virtuoso Soars to Command as New Wing Leader
- Oxford Prepares for the 'Cactus Prodigy': Celebrates Arizona's Sun-Kissed Genius with Nobel Laureate Parade
- Up, Up and Away: The Lofty Heights of Groundbreaking Balloon-Based Careers in STEM
- California's Sky-High Emergency Plan: Tech Meets Hamsters in Avocado Territory Battle!
- Temple Terrace Student Astronauts Ready for Liftoff—Space Helmets Optional!
- Civil Air Patrol's New Horizon: From Winged Relics to Drone Dynasties
- Heroic Paperwork Crusader: Civil Air Patrol's Newest 'Emergency' Spectacle
- Lines, Flags, and Sibling Rivalry: New Jersey Cadets' Intense Quest for Ultimate Mediocrity
- Battle of the Bragging Rights: Air Force Academy Cadets or Avengers in Training?
- From Moose to Maven: Air Patrol’s New Leader Takes Flight with a ‘Temporary’ Wing Job
- New Civil Air Patrol COO to Revolutionize Aviation with Impeccable Stapler Expertise and Unmatched Paperclip Management Skills
- Civil Air Patrol Hires Legendary "Plane Whisperer" to Tame Rebellious Aircraft and Ambitions of Glory
- U.S. Air Force Unboxes Dusty Warrant Officer Titles, Discovers They're Still in Mint Condition
- Idaho Discovers New Talent Beyond Potatoes; Colorado Left to Nurse Familiar Silver Lining
- Hurricane Katrina: When Mother Nature's Pool Party Left New Orleans Underwater and Government Plans High and Dry
- From Keyboard Warriors to Cyber Superheroes: Teens Train to Save the Internet, One Forgotten Password at a Time
- Alaska's Snow Squad Melts the Competition: Overlake Drenched and San Diego Sunburned in Bemusing Battle
- Future Leaders or Professional Overachievers? Service Academies Embrace Their Newest Batch of Ambition Enthusiasts
- Skyward Smartphone Saga: How Heroic Cloud-Spotters Save Us From the Obvious
- Maj. Gen. Mark Smith's Reluctant Exit from CAP: A Journey Through Endless Meetings and ‘Smith Magic’ Budget Tricks
- Storm Chasers Win ‘Most Paperwork’ Award: Civil Air Patrol Applauded for Turning Hurricane into a Month-long Adventure
- Cadet Double Act: New York's Juggling Wizard and Tennessee's Tactical Alchemist Tap-Dance into Leadership Roles
- CAP's Epic Quest: Digitizing Medieval Plane Scrolls While Awaiting Digital Squires
- Sky's the Limit: Cadets Prepped for Aviation Stardom with PowerPoints and Ambiguous Praise
- Launch of the Century: Veteran Attorney Vows to Save the Boardroom from the Dreaded PowerPoint Abyss
- Civil Air Patrol's Annual "Make it Rain Science" Day Sends Hopes Sky-High; Local Farmers Greet Extraterrestrial Debris with Bewilderment
- Heroic Day Camp for Exhausted Overachievers Promises Invaluable Skills in Endless Bureaucracy and Imaginary Helicopter Evacuations
- Arizona Cadets Surprise No One with Yet Another Predictable Overachievement at Regional Competition
- Cadets Conquer Rocket Science and Tent Pitches: A Galactic Guide to Multi-Tasking on a Budget
- Colonel McCaffrey Defies Gravity, Proving Career Takeoff Requires No Runway
- Hawaiian Tsunami Drill Takes Off: Local Planes, Rehearsing Disaster Like a Broadway Show!
- Overachieving Superhero Takes Charge: Local Cadets Brace for Leadership 'Hyperdrive'
- Model Aeronautics: Where Ambitious Drone Pilots and Quadcopter Enthusiasts Battle Gentle Breezes for Glory and Scholarships
- Cadets Sacrifice Summer Fun for Chance to Almost Fly Real Planes at Prestigious Falcon Flight Academy
- Teen Cadets Train to Become Future Heroes or TV Doctors, Whichever Comes First!
- CAP-tivating Pixels: How Nonprofits Are Now Battling Hulu and Fortnite in the Ultimate Rescue Mission
- High-Flying Fantasies: Adults Rediscover Playground Joy at The Annual Paper Plane Academy
- Teenagers Gather at Air Force Base to Master Galactic Domination and Maybe Solve World Hunger
- Airheads in the Sky: CAP's Mid-Summer Cloud Parade Soars Beyond Imagination
- Colonel Holmes: From Marching in Wisconsin to Calling the Shots in Missile Mayhem
- Texas Wing Stages 'Swan Lake' for Drones: Flood Relief Meets Aerial Theater in Skies Above
- Sky-High Leadership: Embracing Bureaucracy and Assembling IKEA Cockpits in the Mid-Atlantic
- New Jersey Wing Welcomes Magical Sky Chariot to Its Fleet of Flying Unicorns
- Flying Optimism: The Sky-high Adventures of a Winged Picnic Basket
- Soaring Past the Clouds: How Eleanore Katz Succeeded in the Aerial Odyssey of Pilot Bingo
- Cadets Engineer Paths to Global Takeover—One LEGO Brick at a Time
- Cadets Capture Gold for Mastering the Ancient Art of Marching in Straight Lines
- Future Red Baron Ethan Preyss Takes Flight with a Side of Sleep Deprivation and Motivational Posters
- Tax Dollars Take Flight: Volunteers Save the Day—and the Budget!
- Young Innovator Astounds Nation with Daring Decision to Choose Just One Military Academy from a Mere Four Options
- Academia's Golden Gusher: Cadet Scholarship Extravaganza Sets New Bar for Educational Overkill
- Civil Air Patrol's ACE Program Takes Off: Students Now Trapped in Endless Flight of STEM Enthusiasm
- Superhero Wannabe Takes Command of Civil Air Patrol—Mars Conquest Possibly Next on Agenda!
- Pilot Turned Policy Maverick Promises to Soar Board Meetings to New Heights
- Cadet Triumphs in Academy Race, Proves Air Force Still Infatuated with Overachievers
- Congress Gets New Wingman as Civil Air Patrol Enlists Maverick-Eyed 'Ike' Fesler to Fly Above Political Turbulence
- From Carbonton to Cloud Nine: Local Guy Accidentally Becomes National Flight Guru Amidst Propeller Enthusiasts' Convention
- DeHavilland DHC-3 Otter: School Bus of the Skies Takes a Dip in Aviation Infamy
- Fort Worth Phoenix Squadron Soars Past Reality: The Mystical Ascension of Future Overlords
- CAP's Flying Circus: Where Avian Dreams and Jetpacks Defy Earthly Logic
- Civil Air Patrol's High-Flying Photo Frenzy: Arkansas' Wetlands Pose as Natural Supermodels!
- Michiganders Masterfully Maneuver Through Marvelous March Madness: Ice, Cameras, Action!
- Florida Wing's "Survival Camp" Returns: Where Compass Skills and Direction Go to Die!
- Teenage Rocket Scientists Gear Up for Yet Another Cosmic Picnic: The Intergalactic Reunion Continues!
- April Showers Bring May Illusions: Civil Air Patrol's Annual Ode to Youth Protection Theatre
- Civil Air Patrol's National Command Chief: How I Accidentally Became The Wizard Behind the Curtain Without The Magic Wand
- Virginia Cadets Place Second in Cyber Contest After Accidentally Fixing Pentagon Wi-Fi
- CAP Radar Team Tracks Planes, Shortens Rescue Time, Possibly Sees Through Clouds Now
- CAP to Help NASA Watch the Sky, Measure Clouds, and Judge Contrails in 2025 Weather Mission
- Maj. Ron Finger and the Fleet Model 7: Where Engineering Meets Imagination, and Both Opt for Winged Scaffolding
- Civil Air Patrol Joins Border Mission: More Binoculars, Less Drama
- Civil Air Patrol Puts Glider Program on 'Strategic Timeout' While Adults Figure Things Out
- Cadets Brave Washington, D.C. to Learn How Government Kinda Sorta Works
- Appalachian Floods Bring Mud, Mayhem, and Mobilized CAP Nerds with Cameras
- Dolnick Tapped to Command Pacific Region, Bring Cyber Skills and Spreadsheet Wizardry to the West Coast
- Florida Cadet Squadron Prepares for Fashion Week Audition Amid Haircut Hysteria
- Col. Boehmer Crowned King of the Great Lakes: All Hail the Endless Titles!
- CyberCadet Gauntlet: Return of the Keyboard Conquistadors in the Virtual Thunderdome
- Turbocharged Tiddlywinks: Celebrating Aviation's High-Speed Strolls and Skybound Artistry
- Civil Air Patrol Stars in "Much Ado About Altitude: Super Bowl Skies Get Dramatic Makeover"
- The Marvelous Adventures of Super Cadet: Has He Finally Broken Reality?
- CAP's Year of Ownership: Because Who Needs Simplicity When You Can Have Extreme Bureaucracy?
- Pilot's Uniform, Financial Throne: A Satirical Soar Through Kerry Kaplan's CAP Adventures
- The Great Eaglerock: The Biplane That Outspeeds Granny's Knitting and Dodges Nosey In-Laws
- Wizards of Bureaucracy: Heroes in Pajamas Pen Down Wildfire Wonders from the Comfort of Their Desks
- With Great Power Comes Great Scheduling: The Tale of Aviation's Over-Achieving Superwoman
2024
- Paperwork Pilots: How a Cessna Landed in a Museum Thanks to Bureaucratic Turbulence
- Aviation Buffs Gather to "Celebrate" Gen. Spaatz—or At Least Keep Dessert Safe
- Civil Air Patrol's Awards Gala: More Drama Than a Soap Opera, with a Side of Caffeine
- Breaking News: Civil Air Patrol's New Hire Promises to Keep Breathing Office Paper as Vital as Aviation Fuel
- Ohio Cadets Win $5,000 in Cosmic Science Fair; Celebrate with Tech Toy Spree and Eternal Bragging Rights!
- Marketing Maverick Kelly Owens Swaps Health Hysteria for Air Patrol Pizzazz—In-Flight Entertainment Just Got a Major Upgrade
- Civil Air Patrol Unveils Blockbuster Disaster Flick: 'Hurricane Helene & Milton II – The Volunteer Strikes Back'
- Air Force Discovers New Way to Stream Movies During Emergencies: AERONet's Unstoppable Quest to Keep Everyone Entertained
- Sky-High Desk Jockeys: The Great Northeast Shoelace Showdown Ends in Mediocrity Triumph
- Wing Commanders Flock to Alabama Retreat: A Five-Day Seminar on Advanced Paper Pushing and Vending Machine Proximity Strategies
- ACE Program's Galactic Gala: Honoring the Unsung Heroes of Inflatable Planetariums and Matching Hats
- Civil Air Patrol Unleashes Comedic Chaos on Hurricane Helene Recovery Efforts
- Hurricane Harlequins: Airborne Jesters Save Sunshine State One Aerial Snapshot at a Time
- Air Patrol Embraces Aerial Photography and Coffee Runs in Post-Hurricane 'Mission'!
- Florida Braces for Hurricane Milton’s Dramatic Yawn: Geothermal Parody Crew Preps Clipboards and Cappuccinos
- 12-Year-Old Flight Sim Enthusiast Accidentally Saves City, Becomes Real-Life Hero
- Predictable Plot Twists Delight Audiences at the Annual Pacific Region Cadet Competition Soap Opera