The masthead
The people who file the news fit to print. None of these ranks are real. Most of the paperwork is.
Executive Editor
A legacy member who once filed an ORM worksheet to mow his lawn, Col. Farnsworth is known for writing op-eds with no verbs and piloting PowerPoint presentations with “air superiority.” He hasn’t flown since 1997 but insists on saluting his own reflection before every editorial meeting.
Compliance Humor Officer
Maj. Crabb once wrote a 42-step checklist for brewing coffee at the squadron. Her satire specializes in turning AFMANs into comic strips and finding typos in CAPR 39-1 to prove moral superiority. She lives by the motto: “If it’s not in a checklist, it didn’t happen.”
Ground Ops Correspondent
A man grounded not by regulations, but by karma and caffeine-induced vertigo, Capt. Halley covers everything that doesn’t leave the tarmac. He reviews folding chairs, critiques traffic cones, and once did a five-part series on the proper storage of reflective vests.
Editor of Unverified Flight Reports
Known for accepting anonymous submissions from “eyewitnesses” who may or may not exist, McMannis specializes in publishing tales of UFOs mistaken for CAP aircraft and mission sorties launched in dreams. Every article ends with the disclaimer: “Sources were totally sober.”
Classified Information Leak Curator
After mistakenly replying all to a Wing-wide email with the line “so who’s actually in charge here?”, Blazer became the unofficial whistleblower of everything unimportant. He publishes redacted memos where only the snack orders are legible, but somehow still causes panic.
Rumor Control Editor
Capt. Vexler reports on conspiracy theories within CAP, such as whether the National Commander actually exists or if cadet PT scores are determined by Magic 8-Ball. She holds a black belt in “Not My Job” and lives in a tent behind Wing HQ “for objectivity.”
Mishap Reenactment Columnist
Known for his dramatic re-creations of CAP mishaps using puppets, drones, and interpretive dance, Torkelson’s reenactments are banned in three wings. His column “What Not to Do But Probably Will Anyway” has a cult following among ground team trainees.
Unauthorized Photo Captionist
Armed with a telephoto lens and no filter, Maj. Grigsby captions every photo with lines that get her regularly removed from Public Affairs Slack channels. Her most popular series, “Faces of Formation Failure,” is used in squadron meetings as a morale deterrent.
Assistant to the Assistant Editor
Capt. Drummond has been waiting for a call sign for eight years, and now writes a weekly lament titled “Still Just Felix.” He staples things that don’t need stapling, files memos no one reads, and once submitted an editorial consisting entirely of acronyms.
Senior Advisor, Glider Gossip
A retired balloonist who insists on being addressed as “Colonel of the Clouds,” Peebles offers outdated advice and unsolicited stories about radios that haven’t existed since the Cold War. He once tried to launch a glider via leaf blower and considers it a success.
